commitments

It's scary. I'm kinda a commitment-phobic person. But then again. I rarely find something I'm not scared of. Roaches. Kills em all #likeaboss. Give me height - freak out. Dark waters - freak out like mad person especially when I have Nadhia's butt at the back of my head while my face is facing the salty wet sand. LOL Yes it happened. Clowns - freeeeeeeeeak out. Syringe - freak out. Blood - freak out. People passing out - freak out. Morgues - freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak out. Dark place under the bed - freeeeeeeeeeeak out. Dog - freak out.

I can list on and on things I freak out whenever it's near me.

And then.

There's commitments.

Marriage.
Relationship.
Children.

Freaks out big time. MAJOR.

Not that I don't ever want to be in a relationship. But there's so many things you need to think about when you're in it. It's not just about the present. Whatever  is presented right in front of us this very moment, very second. But it's more so about the future. What we want to mold of it.

And that's scary.

Being alone taught me many things. Just because I don't have any boyfriend/fiance/husband I don't know anything at all.

Observing people.

Is the key.

And observing them, it scares me. More than being forced into a 100km roller coaster would.

Not that I'm saying I don't ever want to be in a relationship. Kau gila? LOL I'm a perfectly normal imperfect human being. But I'm just... not ready yet. I'm not going to bullshit about not being able to find the mr. right when I'm not even trying to find him.

I just.. want to enjoy my loneliness a little bit more.

Go shopping alone.
Read manga and cries [omg I do this all the time and I doubt there's any man who'd understand this behaviour]
Scream RYOTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA when I'm watching One OK Rock's concert.
Rolls around till I bump my head onto something literally when watching Tak Boss.
Play toys meant for 7 to 8 years old kids.
Sleep till noon.
Eat anything I want.
Not eat at all.
Head bang when I'm listening to OOR.

See?

Those things aren't for someone who's in a relationship. Seriously. If I'm a dude and my girlfriend has Ryota on her wallpaper and goes ga-ga over some dude I'm not even interested with, I'd be all jealous. I mean, going ga-ga like a normal person is different. Me and Ryota? It's bordering obsession! Not obsession. No no. Not. Just. Slightly dangerous. Yeah...

So it's like, I need someone who can understand me and try not to change me overnight or expect me to stop me liking my Rock bands or anything I love. Because as much as they try to say it's for my own good,I still feel it's unfair. Someday I'll leave all these anime/rock world.......I think.I'm being realistic here. I mean,I'll mellow down and not scream RYOTAAAAAAAA whenever I see his picture/video/anything. I used to be JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNN and now I'm not like that anymore. People change.

I changed.

It just takes time.

And I don't want to leave the fandom just yet.

And that is why, commitment = scary word for me.

More than I'm afraid of height.

Okay maybe it's the same level orz

Meh.

Relationship before marriage - all these couples and lovers. Too complicated for my simple brain. Rather do what my mom did.

Marriage and then love. It's not an easy task looking at my parents. But for some reason, it seems sweeter. I want to be like them. Getting old together, date like high school students even when they're both 50 over. That is the kind of commitment I want. I mean, when I'm not afraid of it.

But to find a man who can shape us to be that way..

I'm just not seeing him yet I guess.

Well.

When Allah wills it, I will see him.

For now,

I'll love the troll and his friends ♥

p/s:Though being a fangirl is a commitment, what with the buying their stuffs and all,I'm not afraid of it. ;p
Double p/s: DAAAAAAAAAANGGG! Windows is forcing me to reformat my Ryota BB's mem card. Like hell I would. I'll just get a nu R4. In May. Donkey Kong - you can wait.